Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
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