I didn't shave. On purpose
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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