ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
