maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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