You're so nebulous sometimes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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