he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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