and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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