i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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