Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
