Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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