When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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