Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
