he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
