Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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