So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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