Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
