It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
