i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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