my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
