Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
