At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
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Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
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I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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