And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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