dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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