theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
