he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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