Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
