the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
