he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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