By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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