rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize