you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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