Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
