he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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