My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
