Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
