Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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