i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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