she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
