Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Princesses don't give blow jobs
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
