I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
