I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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