I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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