You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you will always have a special place in my vag
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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