on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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