Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
