It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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