OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
