Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
