you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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