ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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