omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
A+ Viking dick
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
