They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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