I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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