Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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