Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
