I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
