in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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