Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
